Right off the bat she had scoped out a profile she really liked and emailed him. Why do guys keep doing this and not following through??? Listening, I felt the same here-we-go-again feeling. And the kicker is, while she was spending all her energy on a relationship that never existed, she wasn’t responding to the dozens of men in her inbox waiting for her attention. Now let me guess the guy’s side of this: “Oh, she was nice and kinda pretty. Remember, the purpose of dating is to DISCOVER whether he’s your guy, not to DECIDE if he’s your guy. It isn’t about getting him to like you or making him fit your expectations.
He seemed interested, attentive and pretty fabulous on paper. When they met in real life, he complimented her generously, told her he felt so lucky to have met her, and talked about doing lots of things together. He had long story for why each time and professed his interest and desire to be with her again. By the time Sue and I connected, this entire story had transpired. You know: rumination hell, where we gals can’t help but go. Sue was emotionally drained, and her dating confidence was in the dumps. And then those words I hate to hear started coming: Why does this always happen? Not only did Sue lose three weeks of potential fun dates, but she burned herself out and brought herself to the verge of giving up on finding love…all over a guy she never knew.
They’re alerting people to the fact that they have, in their mind, been screwed over before and won’t stand for it. I think this is another area where women erroneously try to emulate “male” behavior, thinking the man will respect them more for acting in this sort of domineering manner. The only people who act this way are a) their parents or b) douchey guys who like to pick fights in bars.
Nobody wants to be faced with that kind of proposition. You’re trying to assert yourself here but you’re not coming off strong or independent. No man with a backbone enjoys or appreciates a woman who tries to bait him in to a pissing match. One date is not enough time to gauge how this man will react or respond.
” That shiny thing could have been another woman, his career or some family thing. But he found something he’d rather do, and he did it.
This is the grownup girl part of dating: manage your expectations and keep your fantasies in check no matter how strong the guy comes on. By choosing the crazy woman’s path of dashed hopes and disappointments (I think I can say that because that was me for many years.), you will likely burn yourself out. And then you miss out on so many opportunities to enjoy yourself and to stay open to many guys, one of which will your last first date.
This week I spoke with my client, “Sue,” who recently entered the online dating world. Maybe he just has too much going on in his life right now…should I tell him I’ll wait? You’ve gone out with about 10 guys in the past several months, and this disappearing act has happened twice. And the major, most important answer I gave her was this: You will never know what happened. After one date she jumped in HEART first…and created her own crash and burn drama. Ladies, it would help you to approach dating a little more like the guys. It’ll be cool to see her and get to know a little about her.” And if what he learns doesn’t knock his socks off, he may get waylaid if something shiny comes along.
If you feel you connected in most other ways but this pattern irks you, bring it up as early as possible; there’s a chance he doesn’t realize that what he’s doing isn’t the norm or that it even bothers you.
But if he doesn’t recognize the importance of changing, he not only doesn’t realize how lucky he is to have you but isn’t a compatible match for you anyway.
When a guy doesn’t confirm by 3 pm, make other plans. After all, how long do you think he is going to wait for you, especially if you have a habit of showing up late all the time? It’s not important at this stage of a relationship.
Later on, perhaps after ten dates, he might just volunteer some of that information to you anyway.